DUDley Moore

I’ve been doing this a while now. The first online date that I ever went on was 3 and a half years ago. It was a great date.. ever since then things have just gone down hill.

Tonight was no frickin exception. I’ve seen dish water with more personality than this guy.

Sat in the bar at work before the date, everyone suggested that I meet him in the pub rather than the station. Good bloody idea! The thought now of prolonging the agony of no conversation is killing me, and I’m at home tucked up in bed with the knowledge that I never have to bother getting in touch with him again!

Let me take you through the scenario

Imagine him with a Tim Nice But Dim voice and I think it tells all the story you  need to know.

Me: Hey how’s it going. Nice to meet you! Sorry I was a little bit late, the trains were a bit buggered

Him: No problem. I got you a drink. I hope it’s ok. I know you said rose, but they had 3 different types and I wasn’t sure, so I went for this one.

Me: I’m sure it’s fine. Shall we try and find a seat.

Him: ………………………………………………………..

This then went on over the course of said drink. I’d ask a question he’d give me a one word answer and that would be all!

I made up some crap about needing to get home to do work, so that when the enivetable “Can I get you another drink” occured, I had a get out! It worked! I was home at 8:30. I think that’s a record for me!

Can we please send good luck vibes for Saturday. I don’t want marraige even if my profile picture on Twitter might suggest I do @singlemanlondon. I just want a fun date, with the potential for another more interesting one! Is that too much to bloody ask?

 

 

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The relationships that have defined who I am today!

I’ve had three life defining relationships in my 11 years as a sexually active adult. All three have ended (obviously), and shaped me into the person I am today.

Relationship 1) AJ:  Iwas aged 17, first boyfriend. Lost virginity to. I was a complete and utter nutter. I’m sure he’ll agree. Lasted 9 months.

Relationship 2) AR: I was aged 20/21 He lost his his virginity to me. I was a complete and utter bitch. I’m sure he’ll agree. Lasted 18 months

Relationship 3) JW: I was aged 24/25.  Very very very intense. Rushed into it too quickly. He was a complete and utter bastard in the end. He probably won’t agree. Lasted 3 months.

Now that last one may not seem like a long time, but what happened over the course of those 3 months, will change my outlook on life forever, and very nearly changed my life forever.

As I’m having a bit of a date draught at the moment, I’m going to write about the three of them individually in posts. I need to write something. I’m pretty sure that what happened in each determined my behaviour and attitude to the next one, so I’m going to write it all out to see if there is anything in it. Or it could be that I’m absolutely rubbish at relationships. There is always that!

For now

I loved my early 20s

It’s true. I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. Every now and then I have a little reminisce about it and smile. I was something of a free-spirit back then. I would sleep with guys with little or no emotional consequences. Sometimes it backfired, sometimes it didn’t and my friends always wondered how I managed to do it.

Now, I am not too far into the future being in my late 20s, but the carefree attitude and fun I had seems like a million miles away, and a lifetime ago. I had less money but more fun. Go figure!

I have friends now who are settled down, married and some even with kids. One of which has been since she was 20. I’m not jealous in the slightest as when I’m in my late 30s, I will hopefully be in the same married bliss situation as them and look back at my early 20s and think, god I had a fuck load of fun.

However I do wonder when it’s all going to happen for me. I’m 2 years away from turning 30. To me that means I should have at least found the person I’m supposed to be spending my life with right? Where the sodding hell is he? My step-mum said to me the other day that when she and my Dad watched Bridget Jones’ Diary 2 the other week, my Dad piped up with “This really makes me think about *Daughter 1*. Apparently it was the scene where she lands on the camera after jumping out of an aeroplane. I’m not sure if he thinks I have a huge arse, or just a disaster in love. Probably both.

Thing is, I compare myself to Bridget Jones’.. single, living in London, pretty brilliant job, seriously a disaster when it comes to men, and yes I have a huge arse! I guess I just hoped there was going to be a Darcy waiting for me at the end of it all. I think I’ve read one too many chick lit books. Sophie Kinsella you have a lot to answer for.

I have just been reading a post about soul mates by @singledatingdiv. I’m a hopeless romantic and live in the hope that a prince will come rescue me from my chinese for 1 and big knicker drawer. Disney you have given a lot of girls over the years a lot of false hope. I’m not a particularly religious person, but I do have faith in the fact that one day an amazing guy is going to walk into my life and sweep me off my feet.

God I sound like a right sap!!!

Well that went well….

… Did it?

After a couple of weeks exchanging a torrent of messages with my latest date, we finally met up for a drink. FINALLY!

He finished work late, and kindly offered to meet me at a pub near to mine, so that I didn’t have too far to travel afterwards. I was sat in my flat waiting for the “I’ve finished work, I’ll be 20 minutes text” when I got “Some arsehole has nicked my shirt, all I’ve got is a football shirt” I laughed a lot. And it would be the only time I would laugh properly all night.

Despite arguing the toss about a certain amount of chocolate being able to kill you. (Google didn’t produce anything fruitful), we went our separate ways after just one drink. I got a message to say that he had made it back, I replied and said so had I… and I haven’t heard from him since.

Like this post, the date wasn’t particularly exciting. When will it end?

This slump is boring me now! I am moving jobs in a few weeks, and will be around (hopefully) very hot men a lot! Someone give me a date with someone fun.

 

How often is too often?

I have a date tomorrow night. Big YAY!

He is 27, originally from Belfast, but living in London for the past 2 years, and is a hair dresser. I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes, I am already thinking about him doing my hair for me every time I go out. That’s better than imagining the proposal right? (Not that I do that in any way.. No siree).

As you can tell by the distinct lack of tweets and posts recently I appear to have hit a dating wall. The past 4 have all been duds. The last one was boring as hell (and he still txts me every week. GET THE HINT DUDE!)

I’m always left a little bit disappointed when they don’t go the way I want them to. I don’t want a marriage proposal straight away, nor do I expect a relationship, but I do want a spark. Something to work with. So far nothing recently. I am putting this down to the hit and run incident. Karma is a bitch, and she fucking hates me!

I think part of the problem, is I build them up in my head to potentially be something amazing. I don’t go in all guns blazing, but the lead up to said dates are always a bit more exciting than the actual date themselves. There are usually a few txts exchanged before hand. Some more than others, and the ones where there are more are the ones where I’m more disappointed. You’d think therefore, that I would have learnt my lesson and stopped with it. But no! I am currently engaging in what can only be described as a ‘Whatsapp’ marathon! It feels a little like msn messenger back in the day, so it’s sort of making it a bit more acceptable, than constant txts. God help me!

Here’s hoping this one isn’t a dud. And if he is, I only have my self to blame.

 

 

Dating Karma!

So I think my dating karma has come around bit firmly on the arse.

To say that the date was a dud well. I would be lying. It was boring as hell. He really didn’t look like his pictures at all, and was dull. I tried to put him off by telling stories of my drunkeness, and calling everyone in my phonebook. You would have thought this would have put him off. . No, far from it. He text only 30 minutes after leaving each other to ask to meet up again. I politely declined. Apparently my stories were “Classic”. Every time he said this it made me shudder, and thinking about it does too now. I’m pretty sure when anyone says it from now on, I’ll shudder again.

I think my running away from Mr Hit and Run has royally fucked off the dating gods, and so therefore they are not working in my favour.

I have decided to give the online dating a little rest for the time being. I am going to make more of an effort to meet people in the real world! It can’t be that hard. People have been getting into relationships for millenia in London.

 

Hello My Name is Shoulda and I am Drunk Dialler

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Nothing and I mean literally nothing has been happening in my world of dating of late.

I have a date lined up on Thursday, but apart from that nothing else. More on that soon.

As a result of the lack of love the past few weeks, I took to the drunk dialling. We’ve all been there (I hope it’s not just me anyway). After one too many drinks, on the way home in the cab you start going through your phone and ringing the majority of the contents. This weekend was no exception. But this weekend it got messy!

Friday night after a few drinks in Covent Garden a cab ride back to my friends flat involved a couple of innocuous calls to various people in my phone. One which involved the following left as a voicemail “Arsehole” To which my friend said “I feel like I should stop you doing this right now” I replied with “Nah he’ll find it funny”. I think he did. I had a txt the next morning asking if I had been out the night before. He didn’t seem offended anyway!

For the most part my drunken voicemails are hilarious! One of my closest male friends regularly receives calls. This weekend being no exception. Two of my favourite instances are a) the nine voicemails left on a journey home singing everything from the American National Anthem to Lady Gaga (he said it was possibly the funniest thing he has ever heard in his life and in my defense, I was with two other girls who happily joined in the singing) and b) singing happy birthday to him a la Marylin Monroe, 3 months prior to his actual birthday. He didn’t get a birthday message on his actual birthday however!

So yes, usually they are hilarious. Well I think so anyway.

Well Saturday evening things took a turn for the worse. You’ll remember I told you about Mr On and Off  and his new girlfriend. Well a few weeks back at our mutual friends BBQ I met the girlfriend. It was odd.. whilst I felt no jealousy it was awkward none the less. I tried really hard to be normal, but these situations aren’t normal. I tend not to keep in touch with ex’s because well it’s awkward when you meet the new girlfriend. But unfortunately we have mutual best friends, and it will be very difficult to stay out of each others lives. So it baffles me as to why he has lied to the girl about what we mean/meant to each other over the last 10 years. During the day she spoke to one of my best friends and said that Mr On and Off had told her what had happened with us. To be honest I was a little shocked, because he never really acknowledged that anything was ever going on when it was. So why now?

This Saturday on my cab journey home, I did the usual thing of calling everyone. Except this time I rang Mr On and Off. I don’t know why.. it wasn’t because I felt anything for him. Just very drunk and calling everyone (including all the mates as well). There was no answer which I expected, but what I didn’t expect was for the girlfriend to call me back. Understandably she asked me not to do it again. I told that I understood and wouldn’t, but wanted to reassure her that it meant nothing, and that I call everyone. I don’t know how, but we ended up on the subject of my relationship with Mr On and Off. She seemed to know little of what actually happened, and proceeded to let him know that he had in fact told her that I was obsessed with him for 10 years. I left it at that. It wasn’t my place to start telling her that actually yes I was completely in love with him, but that he had in fact messed me about for 8 years, and I told him 2 years ago to do one, and that I was done with it. And that for the last 2 years, he has continued to pursue the subject, and said that he still thinks we’ll end up together.

So I left it, got off the phone. There was a little more to the conversation than that, but nothing relevant, so I won’t bore you!

I was distraught, I had been made out to be some kind of obsessed girl who for the past 10 years has chased him constantly! Couldn’t be further from the truth. I then spent the next 2 hours ringing absolutely everyone including people I wouldn’t normally. Notably my best friend and my brother. In absolute tears.

I spoke to one of my friends who calmed me down, and reminded me that this was the guy who left me to deal with something really bloody huge and proceeded to tell everyone I lied about it. She then told me to delete him from my phone. Which I did straight away. All in all a pretty crappy end to an otherwise good evening!

If I have learnt one lesson it’s that I might think a bit more carefully before I pick the phone up and start ringing people. Not because I ended up really upset, but because my phone would not stop ringing the next morning! I joke of course, I am so lucky to have so many friends who care so much about me, that they thought something might be up when I called at 3am. I’m truely blessed.

Anyway onwards and upwards now. Date night Thursday.. more to follow!

 

My favourite date…

Just after I loaded my last post, WordPress gave me some suggestions for my next post. One of them was “If you could go back in time to any day which would it be”. So my question to you would be

“If you could go back in time to any date, which would it be” It can be any date, at any time of any relationship you have been in.

I’d love to hear about your

  • Worst date story
  • Most unlike their picture date
  • Best date that you were expecting to go wrong
  • Worst date that you were expecting to be great.
I’m going have a think about all of these and get back to you soon.
Shoulda x

There goes the bride

On Saturday afternoon, I watched as my sister turned from a Miss into a Mrs. As her maid of honour and older sister, I expected tears. There were none. I felt a bit bad as I felt I should have had a little lump. Instead, I couldn’t stop giggling at certain bits. I swear the registrar loved a bit of the old innuendo.

Unfortunately my success rate at pulling at weddings has gone from 100% to just 50% in one foul swoop. But given the standard, I’m not surprised.

However during my few days back in my home town I started chatting to a young man via Dating Direct.

28, works in recruitment. Currently nursing a foot injury and in a cast, so whilst I am not normally one to wait for weeks before meeting up with a guy, I have agreed to wait 3 weeks until he is out of his cast. He seems sweet enough. So should there be anyone in between now and then I shall honour the date regardless.

He is a little forward, but not to the point that I want to slap him. He’s also heavy on the compliments, but not like hit and run who went way over the top, which I’m pretty sure was to overcompensate.

Wish me luck!

 

Here comes the bride…

A week on Saturday my little sister is getting married. She is 21.. Now whilst I can hear the lot of screaming “God she’s so young”, it’s the right thing for her to do. I’ll be honest, I did think WTF, and “but I’m much older than you, it’s my turn first” I’m happy for her and wish her a lifetime of happiness.

That aside, we come onto the important matter of the fact that I am going to be going alone. She told me I couldn’t have a plus 1, which to be honest I was fine with as I have no one to take. However originally she did tell me that I would need to have someone serious in my life by February to qualify for a plus 1. That was last summer. When I met Mr Wales and thought it was going somewhere, I thought great he can be my plus one. Alas it did not work out. So from then on, everyone I’ve met up until February I’ve thought “Well if this works out, he can be my plus 1” After February that stopped, but I was thinking, oh what a shame if this works out I won’t be able to take him to my sisters wedding. It got me thinking, do I meet people and plan for them being in my future. God help me if I do!!! I’d hate to think I do. It does sound it though.

It then brings me to the subject of “The Single Older Sister” I am lucky enough to have the honour of being my sisters Maid of Honour, and as such I’m sure I’ll get a few “ooo it’s your turn next”. I’ll have to kindly remind them that I am in fact completely single, so single in fact that the last time I slept with someone, it actually put me off for a bit! I’m looking forward to the, “When are you going to find yourself someone”. I swear my family thinks I’m beating them off with a shitty stick! I bloody wish. I told you about my Nan who thinks I’m too picky. I have a friend who thinks I should settle down as well. I’m trying love, I’m really trying! Haha..

Anyway wish me luck!